The Saviour Complex

Embarking on my therapeutic journey was not just a path towards betterment and healing but also a profound exploration of my internal motivations.

One of the most revealing discoveries was the understanding of my own saviour complex, that compelling urge to rescue others, often at the expense of their autonomy and my own well-being. Initially, this desire felt noble, rooted in genuine care and compassion. However, as I delved deeper, it became clear that this pattern, though well-intentioned, could inadvertently disempower those I sought to help, stripping them of their agency and reinforcing dependency.

Recognising the saviour complex in myself was a humbling experience. It revealed uncomfortable truths about my need for validation, control, and the desire to feel indispensable. This awareness sparked a shift, prompting me to reflect not only on personal interactions but also on broader leadership dynamics in my work as an executive coach and facilitator.

Leading Without Drama

Leadership at any level is often driven by the motivation to serve and uplift others. Yet, when the saviour complex goes unchecked, it can distort this noble intention. Leaders, eager to support and guide, may unintentionally foster dependency, diminish others' self-efficacy, and hinder growth. The saviour becomes a gatekeeper rather than an enabler, making decisions on behalf of others and shielding them from challenges that are essential for personal and professional development.

This phenomenon is not uncommon. In the book A Game Free Life, Dr. Stephen Karpman explores how individuals unconsciously adopt the roles of rescuer, victim, and persecutor in moments of conflict or stress. These roles perpetuate toxic dynamics and prevent healthy communication and problem-solving. Let’s break it down.

Imagine a moment of frustration, where someone feels overlooked and powerless. This is the natural home of the Victim, a role defined by helplessness and the belief that the world is happening to them. The Victim often feels stuck, unseen, or oppressed. They may voice their struggles, not as a means of seeking solutions, but in search of validation or rescue. The danger of this role is that it reinforces a sense of powerlessness, making it easier to remain in place rather than seek change.

Enter the Rescuer, the well-meaning helper who believes it's their job to "save" the Victim. Their instinct is to alleviate suffering, to swoop in and provide comfort or solutions. On the surface, this may appear noble. But the Rescuer’s hidden motivation is often more about avoiding their own discomfort or feeling needed, rather than empowering the Victim to solve their own problems. Ironically, this dynamic keeps the Victim dependent and the Rescuer overextended, locked in a cycle of enabling.

Then there is the Persecutor. The critic, the enforcer, the one who seeks control through judgment or blame. The Persecutor’s stance is one of dominance, often harsh and unyielding. They may think they’re offering tough love, but their behaviour only deepens the Victim’s sense of oppression. What’s more, the Persecutor’s aggression can stem from a desire to avoid vulnerability or maintain control.

This look or sound familiar to you?

The thing is these roles are not static. In fact, they are fluid, shifting as emotions escalate and interactions deepen. A Victim, tired of feeling powerless, may lash out and become a Persecutor. A Rescuer, exhausted from helping without appreciation, might slip into the Victim role, feeling unrecognised or taken for granted. The Persecutor, realising they’ve pushed too hard, might suddenly switch to the Rescuer, attempting to soothe the very person they once criticised.

Consider this scenario.

Someone feels their ideas are consistently ignored. They vent to a colleague, saying, "No one ever listens to me. I’m always overlooked." That’s the Victim speaking.

Their colleague, stepping in as the Rescuer, replies, "Don’t worry, I’ll talk to the boss for you."

Meanwhile, another colleague takes the Persecutor stance: "Maybe if you were more assertive, people would take you seriously."

In this simple exchange, the triangle forms. Each person believes they are responding appropriately, but in reality, they are feeding the cycle. The Victim avoids taking personal responsibility. The Rescuer takes on a problem that isn’t theirs. And the Persecutor offers criticism without support. The result? No progress. Just more frustration.

Conversely in Give and Take by Adam Grant’s we additionally see the potential pitfalls of excessive giving, emphasising the importance of balancing generosity with boundaries.

The Tell Tale Signs

Understanding the signs of a saviour complex is the first step towards managing it. Here are key indicators to watch for:

1. Over-involvement.
   You feel compelled to intervene in every issue, even when it is not your responsibility. You want to help when sometimes you need to swerve the whole situation or at best just practice active listening or even better just hear people out.

2. Disempowerment
   Given your desire to rescue you end up making decisions on behalf of others without encouraging their input or growth. Worried more about yourself than whether those who you lead can actually offer an equal, or better, solution.

3. Validation Seeking.
   You derive self-worth from being needed or solving problems for others. Misplaced validation that if not recognised will end up making you feel overlooked.

4. Boundary Issues.
   You struggle to maintain healthy emotional and professional boundaries. We all know that person that will emotionally vomit all their concerns and cares to you regardless of where you are at. And before we get too comfortable recognise that sometimes that person is you/me/us.

5. Resisting Delegation.
   You can’t let go.
   There is a reluctance to let others take control, fearing they may fail or struggle or make (another) mistake.

Coaching Tips to Manage the Saviour Complex

Transforming the urge to rescue into empowering leadership requires mindful practice. Here are some actionable strategies.

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness Regular self-reflection can help identify when the need to rescue arises. Journaling or discussing with a trusted mentor/coach can provide valuable insight.

2. Ask Empowering Questions Instead of offering solutions, ask open-ended questions that encourage others to think critically and develop their own answers. For example,

   "What do you think is the best next step in this situation?"

   "What options have you considered so far?"

   "What support would help you take ownership of this challenge?"

   "How might you approach this differently next time?"

   "What resources or skills do you already have that can help you tackle this?"

3. Promote Autonomy Focus on enabling others to take ownership of their challenges. Instead of stepping in to resolve a conflict, facilitate a dialogue where team members can express their perspectives and find their own resolution.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries Learn to differentiate between offering help and taking control. Communicate clearly about what you can and cannot provide, and encourage others to seek alternative solutions when appropriate.

5. Encourage Reflection After tasks or projects, invite team members to reflect on their learning process. Ask questions like, "What was your biggest takeaway?" or "What might you do differently in the future?"

6. Celebrate Effort, Not Just Outcomes Acknowledge the courage it takes to tackle difficult tasks, even if the result isn’t perfect. This reinforces a growth mindset and encourages resilience.

7. Seek Feedback Invite feedback on your leadership approach. This one can be challenging but really feeds into growth and regulation. Whether it is part of a check in or formal review or even 360 reviews, this can reveal blind spots and foster a culture of mutual growth. Consider asking, "How did my involvement help or hinder your progress?"

8. Model Vulnerability Share your own experiences of learning through mistakes. This helps normalise challenges and demonstrates that growth is a shared journey.

Modelling Empowering Leadership

Leadership, especially inclusive leadership, is about fostering environments where people feel equipped to thrive. Modelling healthy leadership involves encouraging reflection, where you promote a culture where team members reflect on their decisions and learning processes.

You celebrate effort and growth by recognising not just outcomes but the courage to face challenges and learn from them, and finally leading by Example. Demonstrate humility, acknowledge your own mistakes, and show a willingness to grow.

Recognising and managing the saviour complex is a journey of self-awareness and growth. It calls for a balance between compassion and empowerment, ensuring that support does not come at the cost of another's autonomy. For leaders, this means fostering environments where individuals are encouraged to face challenges, build resilience, and develop their unique capacities. True leadership is not about rescuing but about enabling others to rise on their own terms.

In the words of Lao Tzu, "A leader is best when people barely know he exists. When his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say, we did it ourselves."

By shifting from rescuing to empowering, we not only enhance our leadership but also honour the true potential of those we serve.

Further Learning and Resources

1. A Game Free Life by Dr. Stephen Karpman. Insight into interpersonal dynamics that sustain cycles of rescuing.

2. Give and Take by Adam Grant. An exploration of healthy giving and the importance of reciprocity.

3. "The Courage to Be Disliked" podcast discusses themes of personal growth and the importance of stepping back to empower others.

4. "When Helping Hurts" is an article that looks into the unintended consequences of rescuing behaviour in leadership.