How to Speak Clearly When You’re Pissed Off

Who taught you how to articulate yourself when you’re pissed off?

No one, right?

Exactly.

Most of us were never taught how to express ourselves when we’re upset. Not with clarity, not with intention, and certainly not with any confidence that we’ll be understood. We were either told to “calm down,” “soften the tone,” or suppress it altogether and yet, we find ourselves in situations - especially at work and sometimes at home - where something has genuinely upset us, and we’re left wrestling with how to express it without diluting our truth.

In my coaching work with senior leaders, I’ve learned this lesson.

If you don’t know how to articulate your upset, you will outsource your emotional clarity to guesswork, silence, or resentment.

And that’s never good leadership.

One of the tools I use with executives and senior leaders is something I call The BRAVE Conversations Model.

The premise is simple. Rather than walking away from challenging conversations, we approach them with intention and emotional literacy using four L’s, so you don’t take an L (see what I did there)

Love — Not the soft, fluffy kind. Love as respect. Love as the belief that clarity is an act of care.
Listening — Not to respond, but to understand. To slow down enough to hear what’s actually being said.
Language — The words you choose and the context they land in. Tone, timing, and meaning matter.
Leverage — Sitting with what you’ve heard and deciding how to move forward. Not every emotional spike requires a declaration; not every silence is wisdom.

The truth is, people often avoid these conversations not because they can’t have them, but because they’ve never felt safe to try. Whether that is because of our past experiences, power dynamics, a fear of retaliation or stories we tell ourselves about what “won’t work.”

Let us also talk about a deeper truth.
Sometimes the thing we’re upset about in the moment isn’t the thing at all. It is something else that is historic, emotional, or unresolved playing in the background.

So what do you do?

How do you articulate yourself when you’re upset without losing the plot?

Here are five ideas that I believe will help.

1. Slow the moment down

You don’t need to speak at the speed of your anger. Give yourself 10 seconds, or an hour. Heck even a day.
Clarity often comes after heat.

Try saying:
“Give me a moment because I want to say this clearly.”

That one line alone has saved many careers, relationships, and reputations.

2. Name the impact, not just the feeling

People often dismiss feelings, but impact? That’s not so easy.

Instead of saying “I’m angry,” or even stronger if profanity is your thing.
Try saying “When that happened, it undermined the work I had just done, and that’s what’s frustrating.”

Impact brings you into the realm of leadership, instead of blame.

3. Separate the moment from the pattern

Ask yourself, ”Is this about today, or is this tapping into something much older?”

Sometimes the upset is cumulative, and sometimes it’s fresh. Knowing the difference changes how you communicate.

4. Ask for clarity before delivering clarity

This is where BRAVE Conversations earns its keep.

You might be upset based on a misunderstanding, a missing piece of context or even an assumption you didn’t know you made.

Try asking “Can I check my understanding of this before I respond?”

Often, what you think you heard and what was actually meant are two very different things.

5. State what you need going forward

Articulation is not just expression, it’s also direction.

What boundary needs reinforcing?
What behaviour needs adjusting?
What support do you need?

If you don’t make a request, people will assume you’re just venting.

I have seen many a client, colleague, and friend lose people, lose trust and lose opportunities because they didn’t have the tools to be able to navigate moments when they were upset

The ability to articulate yourself when you’re upset is a leadership skill. In fact, it is a necessary communication skill.
One that reflects our humanity. Even if no one has taught us this, we can learn. Regardless of the cultural context.

Anger doesn’t need to be destructive. It can actually be instructive and directional, and with practice, it can be expressed without losing yourself or your relationships.

If this resonated, say so.
If you’re working on this, keep going.
And if you’re a leader struggling with conversations that matter, that’s exactly the space I work in.

Let’s build brave leaders who can speak clearly, even when they’re pissed off.